What's God Got To Do With Aling Dionisia?

I am going to church in 2 hours. I am going back after over 5 years. I barely remember the last time I was inside one, only the feeling that I was cajoled to come along.

My last two entries were on faith and religion (this may be my last for now). I may have come across as a skeptic and as someone who mocks faith in the existence of the divine. I am a skeptic, yes, but I respect those who believe.

Not a few of those who know have asked me what happened. They wondered if I had an experience significant enough to determine this life-changing conviction. Some have thrown in a couple of painful life events. Others were bold enough to suggest the most incredulous psychological trauma worthy of Bruckheimer's CSI.

"Did you stop believing because your mom died?" - Everyone dies.

"Were you abused when you were a kid?" - I had a very happy childhood, particularly during the summer vacations I spent at my grandparents' house on top of a hill, overlooking the rubber plantation which extended to as far as the eyes can behold.

"Were your parents separated?" - They had admirable tolerance for each other's strengths and foibles. Whether or not they were happy I do not know, but my father was there to the end as my mother lay on her deathbed.

"A bump on the back of your head, perhaps?" - One or two, but not detrimental enough.

Really. The only traumatic experience as far as I can remember was the unfortunate chance of catching Aling Dionisia dance on national television, toppled only by her Ginebra commercial with son, Manny. There came then my big, exasperated- "WHhhhyyyyy???"

So what's God got to do with Aling Dionisia? What's believing, or not believing, got to do with painful life events? In my case, nothing.

I do not believe what you believe because one day on a cold morning, I sat staring at a tree, wondering what was inside it, what it was made of. I thought that if I had the tree sawn into half without stopping, would I get to its most infinitesimal particle or would I not get anywhere at all as the tree is cut into half infinitely? Either, or.

I figured I was going to die early so my life would be too short and too precious to be spending on "tree-cutting". I also could not convince myself to believe in something I cannot see, smell, hear, touch, or taste. Even emotions are given life by the five senses.

I sat staring at the tree, longer than I usually would have had. It wasn't tall or big enough but it was the most imposing as it was the nearest to where I sat among all other trees in the area. Its fiery orange leaves were starting to fall off; a few leaves danced to the rustle of the silent wind. I smiled and sighed, and whiffed a blend of damp earth and the dew that settles down on a cold morning. It was beautiful. I felt renewed.

One day I saw a tree on a cold morning and, looking back, it was all that mattered.

I am staying home instead.